Because it's easier when we're mad.

So you've pretty much figured from the title that things are in an icky little stage with the husband and I. It's been that way since the 11th or the 12th. I forget which on exactly. But it's just a stupid "what-if" conversation turned sour, and I really didn't expect him to get mad at me from it, especially not as mad as he is now. The entire time he has this sort of light-heartedness about himself and his voice, that I thought this was all really playful and silly conversation but obviously I guess not. He even sent me some really nasty "hate mail" regarding it as well. (Email because of course, for the millionth time, he's away on work) I wonder how things will be when he returns this week, with all that he's said in email looming over his/my head?
When he first left, (this time was a very short trip compared to others) but he seemed so saddened by actually having to leave. That really touched me, because usually he acts like it's no big deal to him that his job takes him away so much.

But on to something else, I was talking today to a former school mate who I don't get to see as much as I like but I keep in touch with her by phone as much as I can, and so she started to confide in me. Come to find out we're in similar situations...at first she started telling me , how she felt like she loved her husband but wasn't "in love" with him. How they were having problems because she had found another man to confide in, instead of him. How she felt she needed time to go and be wild and then come back to the good man that she has at home. And it's soooo crazy that every word out of her mouth is one that would've come from mine.
And I had always thought that they had the cutest life and marriage together.

But that just goes to show how we're all on our own paths. Or our own roller coasters, more like it. Our perception is our reality. Even if you have a perfect marriage, mate, job, or life...if you don't feel like it, then your reality is: you do not! Everyone has to figure they're own lives out, at their own time, with their own consequences. No one can make those decisions for you, you can know it's happening, but nothing can stop you from making your own mistakes but YOU. Sometimes that's the worst part of being an adult, being accountable. For MY OWN MISTAKES. I can't place that blame on the other person, the situation, it's only on me.
Which makes me think that maybe I do have the perfect life here with my husband and kids. Maybe everyone knows and can see that but me. As I did with her. Things are rarely what they appear from the outside though. And to bring up what my grandmother used to say: "Don't get me started on what can go on behind closed doors"
I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. And either way I'm letting someone down, hurting someone's feelings, my own, or my families'.