Usually in relationships, real or imagined ones, I've been closed off. I've kept my feelings and emotions close to me in an attempt to not be hurt. I'm the girl who used to smile pleasantly and tell you everything was alright when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry possibly even die. But not this time. This time I laid it all out there. And I did it without fear. I knew it might turn out badly but so be it.
I told you how I felt. I told you what I hoped for. I even admitted to being jealous. Admitting jealousy is huge for me. Hell, it's huge for most people. Most people don't want to open themselves up enough to admit jealousies and insecurities. I know I never have. I've always been the strong one. Never let them see you cry. That was what I lived by. But to you I admitted it all.
You aren't in the same place I am. You don't feel the same way. It hurts. God, it fucking hurts but you know what? I'm glad I told you. For the first time in my entire life I feel like a grown-up. I know that sounds silly but it's true. I didn't play games. I didn't wait it out. I told you how I felt knowing it would probably not turn out the way I wanted. It didn't but it will be just fine. I will be just fine.
I could go the normal route and be the angry bitch. I could cut you out of my life. I could wallow in my pain and curse you to all my friends but I won't. You didn't do anything to me. I did it to myself. I had unrealistic expectations. I do have to thank you though. Something about you gave me the courage to be honest. For so long I've kept myself closed off and have not allowed myself to feel anything but bitter. Without hesitation I opened myself up to you. I told you my secrets. I exposed my vunerabilities. I gave you the power. I discovered that even though it hurts it also feels good. I'm proud of myself because I didn't hide. Thank you for allowing me to grow. Thank you for letting me be honest. Thank you for showing me next time will be that much easier.
However, it's so sad about us you know, very very unfortunate. I wanted the best for us, for you, for me, for them. But really, what are we but lies? I lie to you non-stop, you repeat the same. The past never left us, and future can not be ours.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Peeved
Myspace is incredible. And I don’t mean that in the “wow, this is such a great way to meet/stay in touch with people! And it’s so much fun! And it’s awesome!” No, I mean it’s incredible because it allows one to witness just how far into the depths of stupidity my generation has slid.
I joined myspace somewhat against my will, because I saw it as this huge trend that I refused to follow. Also, I thought it was for folks a tad younger than me; I may be only 26, but I certainly feel older, and deciphering the young-speak that is “C U 2morrow!” and “CrAzY 4 U” and screen names like “~*~bOoTyLiCiOuSbAbY~*~” seems beyond my grasp. It makes my brain hurt just looking at it.
But, beyond the abbreviated and alphanumeric vernacular that’s somehow erupted among the 21 and younger set through a culture of text and instant messages that exist in the interest of brevity, there’s a far more heinous crime being committed.
It seems that, when called upon to make a clear and insightful statement, even one for just explanatory purposes, this culture, this generation, this age bracket, has lost all ability to communicate. It’s as though, in possibly the classes that graduated a just year or two after I did, teachers just stopped teaching English. Or the students stopped listening. Because the way people write anymore, the stuff that’s out there now and passing for acceptable? It’s terrifying.
You’re unable to click on a profile, a photo, a “blurb” or a blog without being assaulted by some glaring grammatical error. And not an easy-to-confuse one, like that tricky “i before e, except after c.” No it’s your basic contractions and possessives I’m talking about. Spelling in general. Subject verb agreement. Subject arrangement. Everything.
I mean, sure, it’s easy to mess up grammar when you’re just talking. Because, I understand, you say something without thinking, and then it’s just out there: “Is there any plates left?” Before you realize what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made yourself sound like an asshole. But you can cover it with, “Oh! Oh my god! I meant to say are, I’m sorry.” And while your gaffe is already out there, unless that’s a constant misstep on your part, I won’t judge you based on that alone.
But in writing? Where you have the ability to go back and reread and double-check and correct before anyone else gets a chance to see it? When we have computers with numerous programs meant to circumvent such embarrassing mistakes? That, I cannot forgive. Because not only could it mean that writer was lazy and unwilling to proofread, it could also mean that they did read it, and to them, it sounded fine. And that makes me cry a little bit.
It’s not that I expect myspace to be an eloquently written grammar showcase. Much like I approach this very blog, I just expect to be clear. And to not sound like, or appear to be, a complete idiot.
Perhaps you think me too judgmental? Maybe you think I’m exaggerating a problem with which only I am in tune. I highly doubt it. I submit to you the following examples:
A big offender: “Definately.” It’s all over the place. There is no “a” in definitely, people. Not a one.
You and me vs. You and I. This one is really tragic to me, perhaps the saddest error of them all. Because, beneath photos of the poster and a friend at some sandy location, a myspacer will write “Phyllis and I at the beach.” And I just know that this person thought that sticking the I in there would make them sound educated. But it doesn’t. Because if you take the “Phyllis” out of that sentence you’re left with a messy little description with the wrong subject. It’s okay to use “me” people. It’s not the bad word you think it is when it comes to grammar. Sometimes, it’s appropriate.
The tragic misuse and confusion of the following words: It’s/its, you’re/your, and their/they’re (and sometimes, if you’re really lucky, the discriminating grammar offender will toss a “there” in there as well).
There are run on sentences, errant commas, and fragments. Some people lack punctuation entirely; others just don’t care, so that statements that begin as questions end with the thud of the period instead of the question of its namesake mark. Thoughts drift to and fro, without rhyme, reason or cohesion; they can’t be followed, and there’s certainly no sense to be made from their words. Reading most of the profiles out there makes me want to weep.
How do they survive? How can they function in a business world? Microsoft Word might be able to catch your spelling mistakes and point out your run-ons, but it can’t catch everything. Is it that they’re lazy and can’t be bothered to look for something that Word might’ve missed, or is it that we’ve become so heavily reliant on programs and auto-correct that we don’t even know right from wrong anymore?
I’ve been called a grammar snob by, oh, everyone who knows me. I’m perfectly willing to admit that I will judge you based on how you speak or how you write. This isn’t rocket science. This is English. The language you speak to survive on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be so difficult. And while, sure, English is a tricky, non-phonetic, unexplainable and sometimes nonsensical language, it is ours. Shouldn’t we at least be able to use it properly?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are quite passionate about immigrants, and how if they’re going to live here, they should speak our language. As the child, friend and future in-law to many an immigrant - all of whom worked hard to learn English - I understand and support what they’re saying. But sporting a bumper stickers that says “If you can’t speak the language, leave” is putting out there an awfully tall order to fill. Most immigrants I know speak better, more proper English than many of us born Americans. Because, apparently, we don’t even expect people who were raised speaking English to speak it well; We’ll just settle for its bastardized, slightly retarded son.
I joined myspace somewhat against my will, because I saw it as this huge trend that I refused to follow. Also, I thought it was for folks a tad younger than me; I may be only 26, but I certainly feel older, and deciphering the young-speak that is “C U 2morrow!” and “CrAzY 4 U” and screen names like “~*~bOoTyLiCiOuSbAbY~*~” seems beyond my grasp. It makes my brain hurt just looking at it.
But, beyond the abbreviated and alphanumeric vernacular that’s somehow erupted among the 21 and younger set through a culture of text and instant messages that exist in the interest of brevity, there’s a far more heinous crime being committed.
It seems that, when called upon to make a clear and insightful statement, even one for just explanatory purposes, this culture, this generation, this age bracket, has lost all ability to communicate. It’s as though, in possibly the classes that graduated a just year or two after I did, teachers just stopped teaching English. Or the students stopped listening. Because the way people write anymore, the stuff that’s out there now and passing for acceptable? It’s terrifying.
You’re unable to click on a profile, a photo, a “blurb” or a blog without being assaulted by some glaring grammatical error. And not an easy-to-confuse one, like that tricky “i before e, except after c.” No it’s your basic contractions and possessives I’m talking about. Spelling in general. Subject verb agreement. Subject arrangement. Everything.
I mean, sure, it’s easy to mess up grammar when you’re just talking. Because, I understand, you say something without thinking, and then it’s just out there: “Is there any plates left?” Before you realize what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made yourself sound like an asshole. But you can cover it with, “Oh! Oh my god! I meant to say are, I’m sorry.” And while your gaffe is already out there, unless that’s a constant misstep on your part, I won’t judge you based on that alone.
But in writing? Where you have the ability to go back and reread and double-check and correct before anyone else gets a chance to see it? When we have computers with numerous programs meant to circumvent such embarrassing mistakes? That, I cannot forgive. Because not only could it mean that writer was lazy and unwilling to proofread, it could also mean that they did read it, and to them, it sounded fine. And that makes me cry a little bit.
It’s not that I expect myspace to be an eloquently written grammar showcase. Much like I approach this very blog, I just expect to be clear. And to not sound like, or appear to be, a complete idiot.
Perhaps you think me too judgmental? Maybe you think I’m exaggerating a problem with which only I am in tune. I highly doubt it. I submit to you the following examples:
A big offender: “Definately.” It’s all over the place. There is no “a” in definitely, people. Not a one.
You and me vs. You and I. This one is really tragic to me, perhaps the saddest error of them all. Because, beneath photos of the poster and a friend at some sandy location, a myspacer will write “Phyllis and I at the beach.” And I just know that this person thought that sticking the I in there would make them sound educated. But it doesn’t. Because if you take the “Phyllis” out of that sentence you’re left with a messy little description with the wrong subject. It’s okay to use “me” people. It’s not the bad word you think it is when it comes to grammar. Sometimes, it’s appropriate.
The tragic misuse and confusion of the following words: It’s/its, you’re/your, and their/they’re (and sometimes, if you’re really lucky, the discriminating grammar offender will toss a “there” in there as well).
There are run on sentences, errant commas, and fragments. Some people lack punctuation entirely; others just don’t care, so that statements that begin as questions end with the thud of the period instead of the question of its namesake mark. Thoughts drift to and fro, without rhyme, reason or cohesion; they can’t be followed, and there’s certainly no sense to be made from their words. Reading most of the profiles out there makes me want to weep.
How do they survive? How can they function in a business world? Microsoft Word might be able to catch your spelling mistakes and point out your run-ons, but it can’t catch everything. Is it that they’re lazy and can’t be bothered to look for something that Word might’ve missed, or is it that we’ve become so heavily reliant on programs and auto-correct that we don’t even know right from wrong anymore?
I’ve been called a grammar snob by, oh, everyone who knows me. I’m perfectly willing to admit that I will judge you based on how you speak or how you write. This isn’t rocket science. This is English. The language you speak to survive on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be so difficult. And while, sure, English is a tricky, non-phonetic, unexplainable and sometimes nonsensical language, it is ours. Shouldn’t we at least be able to use it properly?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are quite passionate about immigrants, and how if they’re going to live here, they should speak our language. As the child, friend and future in-law to many an immigrant - all of whom worked hard to learn English - I understand and support what they’re saying. But sporting a bumper stickers that says “If you can’t speak the language, leave” is putting out there an awfully tall order to fill. Most immigrants I know speak better, more proper English than many of us born Americans. Because, apparently, we don’t even expect people who were raised speaking English to speak it well; We’ll just settle for its bastardized, slightly retarded son.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Do you ever get the feeling that time is passing by way too quickly? That's how I've been feeling lately, like I'm running out of time, but not out of things to do. And although for once my life has taken a notch down to "semi-stressful" I still feel majorly stressed. If there isn't one thing then there's another that needs to happen and they're all top priority. My finances are all out of wack lately because I've been doing so much impulse buying. My house is crazy nasty, and my kids are just way too much handle lately. The Hubby however, for some strange, mad reason, we're...get this...HAPPY.
I know, I know, I can't believe it either, but it's true.
I know, I know, I can't believe it either, but it's true.
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