An explanation

I feel like the only time I come here is when I'm hurt, sad or confused. But it's MY blog damnmit and I come and share what I wish...right?

I say that because I was just reading through some of my past post and the mood is so down and out. The black layout really "becomes" this blog. By reading this blog I am leading one to think that I am nothing but hurt, sad, or confused at most times. And I assure you that is not the case. Not at all. There are days where I feel as if I don't have a care in the world, nothing goes wrong, we don't argue, the kids don't work my nerves, I leave work early buy a really cute pair of shoes and the world is at peace. And that's not to say that their aren't days that I wanna break out in tears and cry, pull my hair out, kill someone, or scream and curse the world.
It's just to say that there is a "happy medium" if there is such a thing

You interpet my dreams

Last night I had a dream about you. And it seemed so freaking real that I was even a little mad at you when I first woke up. I know it sounds silly, I know, and I didn't even let on about it for those reasons, I didn't want to go into the story of explaining my dream, or why I woke up with an attitude, so I quickly forgot about it. I just wonder why I keep having these dreams so often, what does this mean if anything? Call me paranoid or what you may, but I have some serious trust issues that go far beyond you or me cheating.
Sometimes I get so scared that you'll stumble upon this blog that I want to delete it almost everyday. Sometimes I don't write for days for fear of discovery, and other times, it's the only way I feel better, is to write about it. It's my only way of getting it out.
I just hope you know, that no matter what happens with us I love you. No matter how good or bad I am to you, I love you like I love no other.

Fleeting thoughts...

Sometimes I forget to smile and I'm always met with your caring eyes and a "what's wrong baby" That makes me feel good, you know, that you care enough to ask, but it also worries me because I honestly have no idea that I'm always frowning, or looking so unhappy. You did that a total of 4 times this weekend.
What's wrong with me?

Rejection

You selfish ass bastard, always making everything about you. But pretending it's always only about me, laying the guilt trip on me, taking what little happiness I have left from me. You will never know how much I hate you right now, it's burning my eyes this hate is so strong. Last night was the final straw, the last leg. It's always so fucking tit for tat with us. So goddamn childish. And I absolutely hate that shit.
I am so emotionally drained right now. You are no longer worth my tears. I will hold my head up high knowing that I did all I could do to convey the depths of my feelings, both good and bad, to you. I might not have always expressed myself in the most adult or rational manner but at least you knew how I felt. When I made a mistake I quickly apologized. And apologized. And apologized again. I apologized in every way I knew how. I made an ass out of myself apologizing even though it wasn't all my fault. Did you ever apologize? Did you ever admit your faults or did you just blame everything on me? On my behavior? It seems I'm always the one to apologize. Why you ask? Because I want you to like me. I want you to love me.
Except today I don't want to dig that deep. Today I want to skim the surface so you should love me because I'm lovable and loyal and a goddamn good wife and person.
I know I have my faults. I'm hard headed. I'm demanding. I'm foul mouthed. I have high expectations and act an ass when those expectations aren't met. I'm spoiled. And I think I'm a princess. Fuck that, I KNOW I'm a princess. But with all of that I'm still the person who will listen to you bitch about your job, your health, etc... I'll answer the phone at 3 a.m. because you need me to. I'll send you stupid emails just to try to make you laugh. I'll stand beside you no matter what. See here's the thing... I may get mad and tell you to fuck off but pretty quickly after I'll apologize and do anything I can to prove myself to you. I've never walked away from someone for forever. Everyone has always gotten a second chance with me. Why do you think all those boys I used to date, all the ones who broke my heart, still think they can come around? Because no matter how tough and bitchy I come across I still have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness.

Except for you. You are no longer worth my tears.

Blowjobs

Have you ever been with a guy that says he doesn't really like blowjobs?
Or maybe you are one of those guys.
Let's see if any of these sound familiar:

1. "I really don't like blowjobs but I love going down on a woman."
2. "Maybe I just haven't been with someone who knew how to do it right."
3. "It just doesn't do anything for me but if you want to go ahead."
4. "I've never come from a blowjob."
5. "You can try but I'd really rather just fuck you."

All of the above have either been said to me or one of my friends. I find it quite intriguing. I can't figure out if men really have decided they don't like blowjobs or if these are just lines to make us work harder. Is it reverse psychology to make us try to please? Is it a contest? I dare you to make me come. I really just can't figure it out.

Giddy Giddy Giddy!

Guess who crawled under my desk yesterday? That's right, MOSONSC (My Old Sort Of New Still Crush). It was all under the pretext of getting something he had dropped under there, but we all know why he really wanted to get under my desk. My first instinct was to remain seated and let him crawl on down there and go to town, however, my desire to remain employed led me to another decision. Though I got up out of my seat, I stayed close by.
Then my boss walks by and sees him under my desk. She was coming out of her office, and did a double take.

BL: What the hell is he doing down there?
ME: He dropped something and is looking for it?
BL: That just does not look right.
ME: I hear ya. At least I didn't stay in my seat.
BL: Definitely something you don't see anyday.
ME: Indeed.

BL found that to be very amusing.

During this exchange, there were random musings from MOSONSC (It's dirty down here. What should I do with this box?). I had to keep telling myself not to laugh. He said "box".

I'm totally 12 years old. And he really is my secret boyfriend!

Grief

I haven't talked to you in so long. Well not soooo long, but it's been a few months, I started missing you a long time ago. Even tired to hold out and wait for your call, or shall I say your excuse(s). Needless to say, I broke down. You didn't seem to happy to hear from me though. Thought I had "left the country" huh? How concerned!
You know, it all started with you daddy. You were my first disappointment. My first let-down. Don't you think it should've been so different with me and you? I do. And secretly sometimes I hate you for it, through all my love I have for you, I hate you just as much. And you'd never know it. Because no matter what, instantly when I see you, hear you, talk to you, I become: daddy's little girl all over again. Why would you have that power over me? Why would I give it to you, harvest it, and allow it to grow throughout these years?
I haven't called back like I said I would, and not because I want to teach you a lesson, but because I want you to make the first move. I want to know you care.
Come visit me. I've been gone 4 years, you've never visited...ever. I haven't seen you in 2. My kids don't know you. You don't know my kids. You can barely remember their names at times. And I'm shaking my heading and laughing as I typed that, but daddy, that shit hurts the most.