Usually in relationships, real or imagined ones, I've been closed off. I've kept my feelings and emotions close to me in an attempt to not be hurt. I'm the girl who used to smile pleasantly and tell you everything was alright when all I wanted to do was curl up and cry possibly even die. But not this time. This time I laid it all out there. And I did it without fear. I knew it might turn out badly but so be it.
I told you how I felt. I told you what I hoped for. I even admitted to being jealous. Admitting jealousy is huge for me. Hell, it's huge for most people. Most people don't want to open themselves up enough to admit jealousies and insecurities. I know I never have. I've always been the strong one. Never let them see you cry. That was what I lived by. But to you I admitted it all.
You aren't in the same place I am. You don't feel the same way. It hurts. God, it fucking hurts but you know what? I'm glad I told you. For the first time in my entire life I feel like a grown-up. I know that sounds silly but it's true. I didn't play games. I didn't wait it out. I told you how I felt knowing it would probably not turn out the way I wanted. It didn't but it will be just fine. I will be just fine.
I could go the normal route and be the angry bitch. I could cut you out of my life. I could wallow in my pain and curse you to all my friends but I won't. You didn't do anything to me. I did it to myself. I had unrealistic expectations. I do have to thank you though. Something about you gave me the courage to be honest. For so long I've kept myself closed off and have not allowed myself to feel anything but bitter. Without hesitation I opened myself up to you. I told you my secrets. I exposed my vunerabilities. I gave you the power. I discovered that even though it hurts it also feels good. I'm proud of myself because I didn't hide. Thank you for allowing me to grow. Thank you for letting me be honest. Thank you for showing me next time will be that much easier.
However, it's so sad about us you know, very very unfortunate. I wanted the best for us, for you, for me, for them. But really, what are we but lies? I lie to you non-stop, you repeat the same. The past never left us, and future can not be ours.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Peeved
Myspace is incredible. And I don’t mean that in the “wow, this is such a great way to meet/stay in touch with people! And it’s so much fun! And it’s awesome!” No, I mean it’s incredible because it allows one to witness just how far into the depths of stupidity my generation has slid.
I joined myspace somewhat against my will, because I saw it as this huge trend that I refused to follow. Also, I thought it was for folks a tad younger than me; I may be only 26, but I certainly feel older, and deciphering the young-speak that is “C U 2morrow!” and “CrAzY 4 U” and screen names like “~*~bOoTyLiCiOuSbAbY~*~” seems beyond my grasp. It makes my brain hurt just looking at it.
But, beyond the abbreviated and alphanumeric vernacular that’s somehow erupted among the 21 and younger set through a culture of text and instant messages that exist in the interest of brevity, there’s a far more heinous crime being committed.
It seems that, when called upon to make a clear and insightful statement, even one for just explanatory purposes, this culture, this generation, this age bracket, has lost all ability to communicate. It’s as though, in possibly the classes that graduated a just year or two after I did, teachers just stopped teaching English. Or the students stopped listening. Because the way people write anymore, the stuff that’s out there now and passing for acceptable? It’s terrifying.
You’re unable to click on a profile, a photo, a “blurb” or a blog without being assaulted by some glaring grammatical error. And not an easy-to-confuse one, like that tricky “i before e, except after c.” No it’s your basic contractions and possessives I’m talking about. Spelling in general. Subject verb agreement. Subject arrangement. Everything.
I mean, sure, it’s easy to mess up grammar when you’re just talking. Because, I understand, you say something without thinking, and then it’s just out there: “Is there any plates left?” Before you realize what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made yourself sound like an asshole. But you can cover it with, “Oh! Oh my god! I meant to say are, I’m sorry.” And while your gaffe is already out there, unless that’s a constant misstep on your part, I won’t judge you based on that alone.
But in writing? Where you have the ability to go back and reread and double-check and correct before anyone else gets a chance to see it? When we have computers with numerous programs meant to circumvent such embarrassing mistakes? That, I cannot forgive. Because not only could it mean that writer was lazy and unwilling to proofread, it could also mean that they did read it, and to them, it sounded fine. And that makes me cry a little bit.
It’s not that I expect myspace to be an eloquently written grammar showcase. Much like I approach this very blog, I just expect to be clear. And to not sound like, or appear to be, a complete idiot.
Perhaps you think me too judgmental? Maybe you think I’m exaggerating a problem with which only I am in tune. I highly doubt it. I submit to you the following examples:
A big offender: “Definately.” It’s all over the place. There is no “a” in definitely, people. Not a one.
You and me vs. You and I. This one is really tragic to me, perhaps the saddest error of them all. Because, beneath photos of the poster and a friend at some sandy location, a myspacer will write “Phyllis and I at the beach.” And I just know that this person thought that sticking the I in there would make them sound educated. But it doesn’t. Because if you take the “Phyllis” out of that sentence you’re left with a messy little description with the wrong subject. It’s okay to use “me” people. It’s not the bad word you think it is when it comes to grammar. Sometimes, it’s appropriate.
The tragic misuse and confusion of the following words: It’s/its, you’re/your, and their/they’re (and sometimes, if you’re really lucky, the discriminating grammar offender will toss a “there” in there as well).
There are run on sentences, errant commas, and fragments. Some people lack punctuation entirely; others just don’t care, so that statements that begin as questions end with the thud of the period instead of the question of its namesake mark. Thoughts drift to and fro, without rhyme, reason or cohesion; they can’t be followed, and there’s certainly no sense to be made from their words. Reading most of the profiles out there makes me want to weep.
How do they survive? How can they function in a business world? Microsoft Word might be able to catch your spelling mistakes and point out your run-ons, but it can’t catch everything. Is it that they’re lazy and can’t be bothered to look for something that Word might’ve missed, or is it that we’ve become so heavily reliant on programs and auto-correct that we don’t even know right from wrong anymore?
I’ve been called a grammar snob by, oh, everyone who knows me. I’m perfectly willing to admit that I will judge you based on how you speak or how you write. This isn’t rocket science. This is English. The language you speak to survive on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be so difficult. And while, sure, English is a tricky, non-phonetic, unexplainable and sometimes nonsensical language, it is ours. Shouldn’t we at least be able to use it properly?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are quite passionate about immigrants, and how if they’re going to live here, they should speak our language. As the child, friend and future in-law to many an immigrant - all of whom worked hard to learn English - I understand and support what they’re saying. But sporting a bumper stickers that says “If you can’t speak the language, leave” is putting out there an awfully tall order to fill. Most immigrants I know speak better, more proper English than many of us born Americans. Because, apparently, we don’t even expect people who were raised speaking English to speak it well; We’ll just settle for its bastardized, slightly retarded son.
I joined myspace somewhat against my will, because I saw it as this huge trend that I refused to follow. Also, I thought it was for folks a tad younger than me; I may be only 26, but I certainly feel older, and deciphering the young-speak that is “C U 2morrow!” and “CrAzY 4 U” and screen names like “~*~bOoTyLiCiOuSbAbY~*~” seems beyond my grasp. It makes my brain hurt just looking at it.
But, beyond the abbreviated and alphanumeric vernacular that’s somehow erupted among the 21 and younger set through a culture of text and instant messages that exist in the interest of brevity, there’s a far more heinous crime being committed.
It seems that, when called upon to make a clear and insightful statement, even one for just explanatory purposes, this culture, this generation, this age bracket, has lost all ability to communicate. It’s as though, in possibly the classes that graduated a just year or two after I did, teachers just stopped teaching English. Or the students stopped listening. Because the way people write anymore, the stuff that’s out there now and passing for acceptable? It’s terrifying.
You’re unable to click on a profile, a photo, a “blurb” or a blog without being assaulted by some glaring grammatical error. And not an easy-to-confuse one, like that tricky “i before e, except after c.” No it’s your basic contractions and possessives I’m talking about. Spelling in general. Subject verb agreement. Subject arrangement. Everything.
I mean, sure, it’s easy to mess up grammar when you’re just talking. Because, I understand, you say something without thinking, and then it’s just out there: “Is there any plates left?” Before you realize what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made yourself sound like an asshole. But you can cover it with, “Oh! Oh my god! I meant to say are, I’m sorry.” And while your gaffe is already out there, unless that’s a constant misstep on your part, I won’t judge you based on that alone.
But in writing? Where you have the ability to go back and reread and double-check and correct before anyone else gets a chance to see it? When we have computers with numerous programs meant to circumvent such embarrassing mistakes? That, I cannot forgive. Because not only could it mean that writer was lazy and unwilling to proofread, it could also mean that they did read it, and to them, it sounded fine. And that makes me cry a little bit.
It’s not that I expect myspace to be an eloquently written grammar showcase. Much like I approach this very blog, I just expect to be clear. And to not sound like, or appear to be, a complete idiot.
Perhaps you think me too judgmental? Maybe you think I’m exaggerating a problem with which only I am in tune. I highly doubt it. I submit to you the following examples:
A big offender: “Definately.” It’s all over the place. There is no “a” in definitely, people. Not a one.
You and me vs. You and I. This one is really tragic to me, perhaps the saddest error of them all. Because, beneath photos of the poster and a friend at some sandy location, a myspacer will write “Phyllis and I at the beach.” And I just know that this person thought that sticking the I in there would make them sound educated. But it doesn’t. Because if you take the “Phyllis” out of that sentence you’re left with a messy little description with the wrong subject. It’s okay to use “me” people. It’s not the bad word you think it is when it comes to grammar. Sometimes, it’s appropriate.
The tragic misuse and confusion of the following words: It’s/its, you’re/your, and their/they’re (and sometimes, if you’re really lucky, the discriminating grammar offender will toss a “there” in there as well).
There are run on sentences, errant commas, and fragments. Some people lack punctuation entirely; others just don’t care, so that statements that begin as questions end with the thud of the period instead of the question of its namesake mark. Thoughts drift to and fro, without rhyme, reason or cohesion; they can’t be followed, and there’s certainly no sense to be made from their words. Reading most of the profiles out there makes me want to weep.
How do they survive? How can they function in a business world? Microsoft Word might be able to catch your spelling mistakes and point out your run-ons, but it can’t catch everything. Is it that they’re lazy and can’t be bothered to look for something that Word might’ve missed, or is it that we’ve become so heavily reliant on programs and auto-correct that we don’t even know right from wrong anymore?
I’ve been called a grammar snob by, oh, everyone who knows me. I’m perfectly willing to admit that I will judge you based on how you speak or how you write. This isn’t rocket science. This is English. The language you speak to survive on a daily basis. It shouldn’t be so difficult. And while, sure, English is a tricky, non-phonetic, unexplainable and sometimes nonsensical language, it is ours. Shouldn’t we at least be able to use it properly?
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are quite passionate about immigrants, and how if they’re going to live here, they should speak our language. As the child, friend and future in-law to many an immigrant - all of whom worked hard to learn English - I understand and support what they’re saying. But sporting a bumper stickers that says “If you can’t speak the language, leave” is putting out there an awfully tall order to fill. Most immigrants I know speak better, more proper English than many of us born Americans. Because, apparently, we don’t even expect people who were raised speaking English to speak it well; We’ll just settle for its bastardized, slightly retarded son.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Do you ever get the feeling that time is passing by way too quickly? That's how I've been feeling lately, like I'm running out of time, but not out of things to do. And although for once my life has taken a notch down to "semi-stressful" I still feel majorly stressed. If there isn't one thing then there's another that needs to happen and they're all top priority. My finances are all out of wack lately because I've been doing so much impulse buying. My house is crazy nasty, and my kids are just way too much handle lately. The Hubby however, for some strange, mad reason, we're...get this...HAPPY.
I know, I know, I can't believe it either, but it's true.
I know, I know, I can't believe it either, but it's true.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
An explanation
I feel like the only time I come here is when I'm hurt, sad or confused. But it's MY blog damnmit and I come and share what I wish...right?
I say that because I was just reading through some of my past post and the mood is so down and out. The black layout really "becomes" this blog. By reading this blog I am leading one to think that I am nothing but hurt, sad, or confused at most times. And I assure you that is not the case. Not at all. There are days where I feel as if I don't have a care in the world, nothing goes wrong, we don't argue, the kids don't work my nerves, I leave work early buy a really cute pair of shoes and the world is at peace. And that's not to say that their aren't days that I wanna break out in tears and cry, pull my hair out, kill someone, or scream and curse the world.
It's just to say that there is a "happy medium" if there is such a thing
I say that because I was just reading through some of my past post and the mood is so down and out. The black layout really "becomes" this blog. By reading this blog I am leading one to think that I am nothing but hurt, sad, or confused at most times. And I assure you that is not the case. Not at all. There are days where I feel as if I don't have a care in the world, nothing goes wrong, we don't argue, the kids don't work my nerves, I leave work early buy a really cute pair of shoes and the world is at peace. And that's not to say that their aren't days that I wanna break out in tears and cry, pull my hair out, kill someone, or scream and curse the world.
It's just to say that there is a "happy medium" if there is such a thing
Monday, May 21, 2007
You interpet my dreams
Last night I had a dream about you. And it seemed so freaking real that I was even a little mad at you when I first woke up. I know it sounds silly, I know, and I didn't even let on about it for those reasons, I didn't want to go into the story of explaining my dream, or why I woke up with an attitude, so I quickly forgot about it. I just wonder why I keep having these dreams so often, what does this mean if anything? Call me paranoid or what you may, but I have some serious trust issues that go far beyond you or me cheating.
Sometimes I get so scared that you'll stumble upon this blog that I want to delete it almost everyday. Sometimes I don't write for days for fear of discovery, and other times, it's the only way I feel better, is to write about it. It's my only way of getting it out.
I just hope you know, that no matter what happens with us I love you. No matter how good or bad I am to you, I love you like I love no other.
Sometimes I get so scared that you'll stumble upon this blog that I want to delete it almost everyday. Sometimes I don't write for days for fear of discovery, and other times, it's the only way I feel better, is to write about it. It's my only way of getting it out.
I just hope you know, that no matter what happens with us I love you. No matter how good or bad I am to you, I love you like I love no other.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Fleeting thoughts...
Sometimes I forget to smile and I'm always met with your caring eyes and a "what's wrong baby" That makes me feel good, you know, that you care enough to ask, but it also worries me because I honestly have no idea that I'm always frowning, or looking so unhappy. You did that a total of 4 times this weekend.
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with me?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Rejection
You selfish ass bastard, always making everything about you. But pretending it's always only about me, laying the guilt trip on me, taking what little happiness I have left from me. You will never know how much I hate you right now, it's burning my eyes this hate is so strong. Last night was the final straw, the last leg. It's always so fucking tit for tat with us. So goddamn childish. And I absolutely hate that shit.
I am so emotionally drained right now. You are no longer worth my tears. I will hold my head up high knowing that I did all I could do to convey the depths of my feelings, both good and bad, to you. I might not have always expressed myself in the most adult or rational manner but at least you knew how I felt. When I made a mistake I quickly apologized. And apologized. And apologized again. I apologized in every way I knew how. I made an ass out of myself apologizing even though it wasn't all my fault. Did you ever apologize? Did you ever admit your faults or did you just blame everything on me? On my behavior? It seems I'm always the one to apologize. Why you ask? Because I want you to like me. I want you to love me.
Except today I don't want to dig that deep. Today I want to skim the surface so you should love me because I'm lovable and loyal and a goddamn good wife and person.
I know I have my faults. I'm hard headed. I'm demanding. I'm foul mouthed. I have high expectations and act an ass when those expectations aren't met. I'm spoiled. And I think I'm a princess. Fuck that, I KNOW I'm a princess. But with all of that I'm still the person who will listen to you bitch about your job, your health, etc... I'll answer the phone at 3 a.m. because you need me to. I'll send you stupid emails just to try to make you laugh. I'll stand beside you no matter what. See here's the thing... I may get mad and tell you to fuck off but pretty quickly after I'll apologize and do anything I can to prove myself to you. I've never walked away from someone for forever. Everyone has always gotten a second chance with me. Why do you think all those boys I used to date, all the ones who broke my heart, still think they can come around? Because no matter how tough and bitchy I come across I still have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness.
Except for you. You are no longer worth my tears.
I am so emotionally drained right now. You are no longer worth my tears. I will hold my head up high knowing that I did all I could do to convey the depths of my feelings, both good and bad, to you. I might not have always expressed myself in the most adult or rational manner but at least you knew how I felt. When I made a mistake I quickly apologized. And apologized. And apologized again. I apologized in every way I knew how. I made an ass out of myself apologizing even though it wasn't all my fault. Did you ever apologize? Did you ever admit your faults or did you just blame everything on me? On my behavior? It seems I'm always the one to apologize. Why you ask? Because I want you to like me. I want you to love me.
Except today I don't want to dig that deep. Today I want to skim the surface so you should love me because I'm lovable and loyal and a goddamn good wife and person.
I know I have my faults. I'm hard headed. I'm demanding. I'm foul mouthed. I have high expectations and act an ass when those expectations aren't met. I'm spoiled. And I think I'm a princess. Fuck that, I KNOW I'm a princess. But with all of that I'm still the person who will listen to you bitch about your job, your health, etc... I'll answer the phone at 3 a.m. because you need me to. I'll send you stupid emails just to try to make you laugh. I'll stand beside you no matter what. See here's the thing... I may get mad and tell you to fuck off but pretty quickly after I'll apologize and do anything I can to prove myself to you. I've never walked away from someone for forever. Everyone has always gotten a second chance with me. Why do you think all those boys I used to date, all the ones who broke my heart, still think they can come around? Because no matter how tough and bitchy I come across I still have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness.
Except for you. You are no longer worth my tears.
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