I started this blog because sometimes you need to say things, but have no one really here you. You wanna scream, but you want no attention, you wanna talk and share, but you want no advice, no judgement, no scrutiny, no shame...
Sometimes the hardest people to talk to and share your inner most feelings with are those that you know. Sometimes I wanna stand outside myself and get opinions of myself. Because I know what I want is wrong, what I do, is wrong to do, and sometimes what I crave is wrong to crave. But that doesn't stop it, doesn't stop me from wanting it, from needing in a sense.
So let me give you a little history in an attempt to better inform you...I'm married, with two kids. And not to say that it's not a "happy" marriage, because it really is for the most part. But lately I've started to feel a little cheated in a sense, my husband and I married young, partly because I pressured him, and partly because I was pregnant and we didn't want our son born out of wedlock.
We met in highschool, he approached me, but that point on until towards the end of highschool that was only part that was about ME. He was basically immature then, wanted to play around, have fun, have his cake and eat it too, I guess. For a lot of our relationship back then I was on the back burner, the rebound, or the "girl-on-the-side" He was never completely about me until I cheated on him when he was away on business at work for 3 months and we were engaged.
This guy made my 3rd sexual partner including my husband. When I met this guy, I had every intention to let him fully in to the fact that I was engaged, and happy about it, but that we could still be friends. but as time progressed, it was all so new to me, so real, and fun and adventurous. He was truly the sweetest person I had ever met in my life. And for the first time in a long time, I felt adored, admired, beautiful, wanted, loved, needed, sought after. I felt REAL. And for a long time, (even though this was only a 6 month time span) I didn't want it to end. Not until reality started to sink in, and I had to man up and face the fact that I wasn't the only person begin affected in all this. I had him, my fiancee, and myself. And in my heart of hearts, I knew I would almost always choose my fiancee over anyone. So I let him go, and I have to tell you it was the hardest that I've had to do in a long time. And not because I loved him or still wanted him, but because I knew that he loved me and still wanted me, and I didn't want to hurt him. He cried in my arms that night. And sometimes it hurts more to hurt someone else than to be hurt yourself.
At this time, I think my husband must have finally opened his eyes and started to see me for the "good catch" that I am. Because he made an complete 360. We got married, have been that way for almost 3 years now...
And all of a sudden here it is, dead smack in the middle of our lives together, with two beautiful children in tow...I wanna be with someone else.
And I couldn't even begin to tell you what I think is lacking amongst my husband and I. Maybe it's that he's always gone, in our 3 three years of marriage, he's been gone approx. half of it. Missed the birth of my second child, all the "important" moments for my first. And it's not even that our connection is bad now, that we aren't bonded the same, because when he's here we have fun, we get along for the most part, and I do love him. I just think I have that old: "the grass is greener" complex.
And I know I know, sometimes that's not always as such. I know all the sane answers to this, like: why risk what you have now, for something that you're totally unsure about...etc.
It's just hard to fight it, hard to tread this water that's becoming so increasingly deep. And I don't want to hurt my husband, I know he loves me. And I don't want to be the reason my kids grow up without a father in the home either.
There's just no way to have both? And have everyone happy? My kids, my husband, myself...?
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