Unsent

These are the unset letters to boys that once loved me, they have each made some sort of significant change in my life. I thank them for it. Maybe not at that time, but now, in retrospect, I too, love them.

Dear T,
It has been so many years since we were together but I will never ever forget you. You helped me to become the woman I am today. You let me know how it feels to be loved for the first time. The lessons I learned from you were lessons I needed to learn and I'm so glad you were the one to teach them to me. You will always own a piece of my heart. I still think about you to this day, even with my life, even with my husband, I still love you like no other. You are my first love. I regret the things I did to you, to lead you to treat me the way you did. But we were young, and crazy. Maybe a little age and maturity was all we really needed. But now it's too late for us. I have my life, you have yours. And though, sometimes I'd give anything and everything to be back in that time, to be able to do it all over and correct my mistakes, I know it won't matter because you're no longer that person. That was the sweet "T", the man you are now scares me. He screams peer pressure, and cultural norms, but I'll always love the old you, for you made me...the new me!

Dear M,
I'm sorry. That's all I ever wanted to say was that. I know I hurt you, over and over, and yet when anyone turned their back on me, you were ALWAYS there still looking at me, and yet, loving me through the imperfections. You were everything any sane woman would want in a man. The problem was I wasn't sane. I'm still not. I hope you are happy. I worry about you sometimes and wonder if I damaged you very badly. I hope I didn't. I never deserved you. I'm sorry.

Dear H,
I loved you too much. I still do. The truth is I didn't even want you when I first met you. You were just the entertainment. So fun and full of life. The flavor of the month. Funny how that came back to bite me in the ass. You were tragically broken and I was going to heal you. Except in trying to heal you I too became broken. You were self-destructive and I was going to save you but in trying to save you I almost destroyed myself. Even with all of that and all I know now I still miss you. Tragically, for me, I still love you. And the funny thing is out of all the guys I'm writing my "unsent" to, I honestly believe that you're the only that still loves me too.

Dear D,
Timing is everything. Why is ours always off? Why hadn't I met you first, before I met HIM? Why couldn't I have been as good to you as you were to me in the beginning? When we met the first time I was still struggling to breath. I was just leaving home, never once lived on my own made my own rules, and I went crazy. We found comfort in each other until we didn't anymore. No matter what we might have said ord I done to each other in the heat of the moment I will always be here for you. And though not in the sense that others may think because we both know that I will lose everything if we were to have actual contact with one another. We aren't quite ready to forgive each other yet but hopefully someday we will find our way back to each other even if it is just as friends. I want you to be happy. I hope you are happy. And I hate that I made you cry that night the way you did. Every time I hear that song that was playing in the back ground I have to fight to hold back tears, because in that moment you changed something for me, and I realized that it's not always just about ME, other people's feelings mattered. You mattered. And although I could never love you enough, or how you wanted me to, I tried for a while. But it was just so exhausting, so confusing having to choose between you and HIM. You treated me like I have never been treated before. Both mentally, emotionally and better yet sexually. I want you to know, I hope you know.

Dear A,
I just recently found out your married, and living extremely close to my family no doubt! Well good luck on that one. I think that you're significant in my life because you took my virginity and you were the first to mention "love" in our relationship, but oh how insignificant you are in the BIG scheme of things. See, my husband is aware of you but doesn't know you de-virginized me. He thinks (because I've told him and everyone else) that T did it! And it's not that I'm ashamed of it, or you, or me at that time in my life, it's jut because...I always hear women say, "you'll always love your first" but honestly A, I never loved you. I only did it to get it over with, and because everyone thought I was already doing it anyway. I wanted to know what the big deal was. And you were so mean and cruel about it. I guess I shouldn't have lied and told you I weren't a virgin, so you wouldn't be looking for some experienced slut like you were. It does hurt that you told all your friends how I bleed all over your sheets. Maybe even thought it wouldn't get back to me, but you told one of T's friends, and of course T told me. He knew details, details A, so I know he wasn't lying. For some reason back then I never had the courage to bring that up and confront you on it, just let it go and vowed to never fuck you again. But you are the sexiest man I've EVER dated.